The One-Foot-Stomp

VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION

So Charlotte has these "First Word" flashcards, and she's really into them right now. So I'm always trying to come up with new things to tell her about red wagons, turtles and pants. But I started to notice that whenever it came to the lion card, I could never remember if the phrase was "king of the jungle" or "king of the forest". So I looked it up, and it turns out people say both, but neither is accurate.

Lions are NOT king of the jungle or the forest. You may be interested in knowing that lions live only in Africa and Central India on prairies and grasslands. Tigers, on the other hand live almost exclusively in Asian jungles, with a few stragglers in Eastern Russia. (I once saw a horrifyingly tragic video of a mother and baby white tiger being hunted, kind of, for their fur in Russia, and have gone in and out of wanting to do something career-wise in the protection of these beasts).

But here's the kicker - were a lion and tiger ever to meet up, the lion would not stand a chance. No competition. It's all a facade. The tiger would absolutely kill the lion.

So in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion doesn't sleep tonight? No lions and tigers and bears, oh my? The lion is not actually the king of anything? Who made these things up? I'd like to see the management. But for now, tigers are my new favorite animal. Lions are nothing but a lot of fluff.

The Western World

Tomorrow I file for divorce. So today I decided to revel in something that makes me happy, and I spent my precious moments of free time researching real estate in Florence and Paris. It seemed like the best thing to do. I no longer believe that you can run away from your problems by simply moving. I tried that, maybe a hundred times. No matter where you go, you will still be with you. I get it. Change is internal. So, it isn't that I think that by moving to Europe, I would step off the plane and there would be background music playing and flowers abounding and everyone would be gentle and beautiful and in love. I would step off the plane and people would be rushing around, stressed, and I'd have to ask for help from someone who inherently hated me because I'm American, and Americans are stubborn, prideful, waste-producing machines... and I'd finally arrive somewhere with my unhelpful translator in my back pocket, with my luggage lost in transit and my baby on my head, in a run-down hole with a leaky rusty faucet that wasn't anything like it looked in the picture. I still think I would be happier there.

That's because I'm discovering that it is nearly impossible to step away from the robotic Americanized way of life that makes many of us feel so canned. I guess it isn't a problem for some people - some people are ok with living life that way, and others are ok with taking a huge stand AGAINST living that way, but I don't really fall into either category. I don't want to live that way. It feels bad to me, and yet I don't have the consistent energy to fight it all the time. I think people deserve better - I think people are better. All the conveniences that were originally intended to make our lives better, easier and fuller, have robbed us of the ability to feel at all. I'm not just talking about the obvious time-saving conveniences that end up saving no time at all. I'm talking about everything, the whole way we live life here in the states. It sounds so simple, and you hear it all the time, and yet nobody does much of anything about it. People spend more and more time staring at screens, and less and less time experiencing this incredible world directly. We look down at the ground and go from our air-conditioned houses to our air-conditioned cars, to our air-conditioned grocery stores full of food imported from around the globe without even thinking about it. And we know it. Everything is something we "have" to do. Everything is a list. But life is not a list. And try as we might to turn our world into a sterile computerized machine, it just won't work. You can't have it both ways. You can't have everything be easy breezy, and also be able to enjoy it. Some things are uncomfortable. Some things are just plain hard. And then when things aren't, you really appreciate those sweet moments. If you try to take away everything that's hard, you are left with a whole lot of nothing-ness.

Now that said, I don't mean to hate on America as much as I just did. I know that there are exceptions both ways, in how people choose to live life in every place. All I mean to say is that, for me, I know I would live a fuller life in a place where I was supported in a lifestyle of connection, and I don't think I'm the only one out there who feels that way. (Speaking of background music, please cue "We're All in this Thing Together" by Old Crow Medicine Show, as a concession of my insults towards America and westernized living in general.) I know there are great people everywhere. I just don't think this is the way for me. (Granted, I have no clue if/when I will actually step away from this place I've lived all my life. I just know I want to. It's good to dream. Keeps you in tune with your heart.) I also want to point out that I have no real belief that Florence or Paris are The Place To Be - but they're real pretty. It's a good start.

Ladies and Gentlemen

Ladies and Gentlemen...

                                                                   The Beatles!

My Dad actually made that joke when I texted him this picture, but I felt it needed to be shared. Spot on.

You are Inherently Worthwhile

All my cognizant life, I have struggled with feeling that I am not special or worth anything particularly. In fact, I can directly trace every regrettable decision I have ever made back to this lack of self-belief. Everything I have ever quit: gymnastics, drum lessons, friendships, semester after semester after semester... this list could be embarrassingly long. Then one day, I woke up. Fifty pounds overweight, living in a slum essentially, with no degree, no job, married to an addict, and on the far side of 5,000 burned bridges, but right next to me was this perfect innocent little creature. She didn't smile at me, she only cried. She didn't give to me, she only took. She hadn't earned anything, and yet she was worth everything. There was nothing I wouldn't or couldn't do for her. She deserved everything good on this great green earth, just because she was. Just by being. So I must be, too. And you. Some people are fortunate enough to be born with the gift of knowing this without having to work for it, but I was not one of those. But I am so, so, so thankful to understand it now. Many people never do. Of course, changing thought patterns is a full-time job in and of itself, and I'm sure I will be working on that for the rest of my life. Nothing is effortless. Even things that attempt to be carry a different kind of burden. But some effort-full things are wonderfully worth it.

I Love to Read

In my efforts to correct some long-held beliefs I've had about myself and the world in general, I have discovered that one of the best ways to change, really change negative behavior patterns, is to frequently, regularly, constantly immerse your thoughts in the opposite. For instance, for the last decade or so, I have maintained the rather strong belief that I hate to read. I just hate it. I can't pick up a book. I will transfer schools 9 times, move across the country 6 times, live with (I can't be entirely sure, but) upwards of 40 random roommates, organize everything in the house to oblivion, write list after list of unimportant errands that "I have to do first", and then retire home to the stack of books that I should really read, but just "didn't have time"... until I have been in school for 7 choppy years with not much to show for it. However, in the last 12 months of being stuck at home more than I would have chosen on my own, I have had more time on my hands than closets to organize, and have gradually discovered that I actually love to read! The more I read, the more I realize I am interested in things I didn't know I was, and the more alive I feel. What was once perhaps my most frequently avoided task has become one of my favorite pastimes. Here's one thing I like to read: http://momastery.com/blog/ - This woman is the bomb. Thanks Amy for introducing me. Gotta go - Charlotte's running amuck. I have a feeling most of these posts are going to be short and sweet. Hugs.